What Will the Children Say, When I'm Dead and Buried? (Rewriting)
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Leave it to Peter to screw things up. When Brian dies in a "freak" accident, Peter tries to cover it up using various means. Meanwhile Brian ends up in Hell with Death, Werewolf, Dracula and Frankenstein's Monster. It could be worse, they could have nothing to do with their time...Rated T for language, necromancy, pop culture references, black comedy and paranormal activity.


Prologue

If there was one thing that Peter Griffin knew how to do it was how to make other people's lives a living hell without even trying. Specifically, if there was one thing that Peter Griffin knew how to do it was how to make Brian's life, his dog, a living hell.

Peter was on the roof of his house in a shopping cart. You can guess where this is going. The difference is that Brian was tied to the front of it, courtesy of Cleveland, Joe and Quagmire. Brian, obviously, was not happy to say the least.

"If I get out of this" Brian said to Peter, "I'm going to kill you!"

Peter ignored him and gave the others the signal to start filming, Quagmire had a tape recorder.

Peter turned towards the camera and spoke, "Alright this is Cart Rooftop Thing #2...here we go."

Not surprisingly, as soon as Peter pushed off, the cart fell straight down off the roof, causing Brian to almost be crushed by the cart and Peter's weight. Peter was certain that he heard a bone crack. He immediately got out of the cart and threw it off only to discover that Brian's neck had snapped.

"Holy shit!" Peter exclaimed not really sure what to do in terms of action or emotion, "He's dead!"

Quagmire huffed, being indifferent, "Good" he replied, "He was a bastard."

Joe, Cleveland and Peter all gave Quagmire the evil eye, for the moment shutting him up.

Meanwhile, Brian found himself standing in a white room. Looking around, it only took Brian a few good seconds to realize what had happened. "Great" Brian said to himself, "I always knew that Peter was going to be the death of me."

Peter tried to pick up Brian's body, but upon doing so lost his balance and fell on top of Brian's body, upon which Peter heard more bones cracking. Brian could feel a strange feeling in his jaw as if it were dislocated on the right side. Peter attempted to fix it, but it only made things worse, now Brian's jaw was completely unhinged, as if he were a snake. Bones and muscle tissue could be seen connecting Brian's jaw to the rest of his face, a large amount of blood surrounded this area and up his mouth to his nose.

Brian felt his jaw droop a bit. He didn't know exactly what was happening, but he whatever it was that it wasn't good. To Brian's right he saw a large door, walking towards it; he noticed that a sign was nailed to it, "Benjamin's Crossing."

Brian had no idea who Benjamin was, he assumed it was someone who was long dead, looking around and seeing nothing else, Brian opened the door and stepped through.

Peter and Cleveland grabbed two shovels from the shed in the backyard while Joe wrapped Brian's body in a blanket. Peter and Cleveland then began digging, hoping to be done before Lois and the kids returned home so he can break the news to them gently. Peter knew that his family would hate him if he told them that he accidentally killed Brian, so he began to think of an elaborate story that would suit his means.

_"Let's see..."_ Peter thought to himself while he dug, _"Hit by a car? No, not with the way his cheek is? Suicide...Possible and sadly believable but unlikely, too much gore. Shot in the face?" Peter found it. "There we go! He was shot! Shot with a shotgun, yeah that's it. A thug came in with a shotgun, threatened us with our lives and blew Brian's head off. There you go Peter, you're so smart!"_

Ten minutes later the hole was dug. Joe carried Brian's body that was wrapped in an old blanket and sat it down in front of the hole.

"Does anyone want to say a few words?" Joe asked. Everyone, including Peter, remained silent. "In that case I've got something I need to say. Brian, you were always one of the guys, at least to me. We may have gone out to drinks, we may not have had a lot of moments together, but you're in the Book."

Joe pulled out the Book- a large handmade leather bound thing of about 150 pages or so. In it were entries of favorite experiences that had specifically at the Clam made by Quagmire, Joe, Cleveland and Peter. The former three had at most six of seven entries. The majority came from Peter, who made up most of the book. But there was one entry, the first one that was Brian's.

Joe opened it to the first page and began to read.

"To my friends, Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland, I don't think that I could've gotten through this day without you. Thanks for letting me be a part of something, at least for a moment. I know that you guys don't like me much; I know I don't, but it was nice to spend some time together.

None of you will ever understand what today meant to me. You can try, but you will never understand. I didn't have friends growing up; I was a freak, an outsider and a loser. I thought that I was going to be that way for the rest of my life. Now, I think there's hope for me after all."

Joe then closed the book and put it away. Peter and Cleveland were teary eyed, even Quagmire hung his head, for he remembered that day and he remembered that Brian wasn't all bad, in fact on that day Quagmire actually liked him. It was only until a few days after that Quagmire began to develop his dislike and eventually disdain for the dog, who only ever wanted a friend.

Brian found himself standing on a hill surrounded by trees. Looking around he tried to see if he was in any place that he recognized, but no such place came to mind. In the distance, Brian could see what appeared to be a small town. Brian, seeing no other option, walked in the general direction of the town. Along the way Brian passed several graves, some of the names he recognized, others he didn't. For some reason Brian remembered that he had a notepad and a pen on him when Peter killed him. Thinking that it would be important later, Brian wrote down the names on the graves that he didn't recognize.

It was then that Brian heard a voice that he never wanted to hear again, well more like several.

"Hey there is he is!" One voice in a heavy Brooklyn accent screamed

"Look who finally showed up! How you been Brian?" said another from Southern Louisiana

Brian turned around and faced his brothers, Zeke, the Southern Louisianian and Mike, the New Yorker. Zeke was grey, in life he had been an alligator wrangler, even married an alligator named Sue at one point. He was ran over by a semi truck. Mike was much better off, a wealthy businessman in life who didn't know the meaning of family or at least didn't recognize Brian's existence until now. Mike accidentally overdosed while having sex with a hooker.

Brian groaned, not because he hated his brothers, he loved them to death, but there was only so much of Mike and Zeke that he was willing to take.

"What are you guys doing here?" Brian asked, he already knew the answer but he wanted to entertain himself for Zeke always told tall tales with hints of truth and Mike lied constantly.

"We're visiting the tropics" Zeke answered

"Me?" Mike began, "I'm on my way out of here."

"Right" Brian replied not believing either of them, "Now tell me the one about the dog who became President of the United States?"

Zeke and Mike looked at each other and then back at Brian, "Why do you want to know about yourself Brian?" they said in unison.

Brian laughed casually, for his brothers, despite their completely different personalities, thought the world of him. They slowly made their way towards town.

The town was situated on a small hill, the road was made of cobblestone. On the right side of the street several houses, that looked like something out of Tim Burton, could be seen. Most of them were two story complexes with a window on each side of the building. On the left side of the road was a marketplace in which several businesses were located, including a fruit vendor, a rug dealer, a bar, an inn and a brothel. Brian pulled out his notepad and made a note to visit the brothel and put it back wherever it was that he kept things.

At the end of the road was a large mansion surrounded by an impressive Gothic style gate and fence. Above the red wooden door of the mansion, a crying angel statue could be seen. The mansion was three stories, with six columns of windows and four rows, this was including the two columns above the door with two rows of windows. Most of the windows on the house were boarded up and/or broken. The roof was made of shingling, at the corners of the house, gargoyles looked on.

Brian, Zeke and Mike made their way to the house, Brian following Mike's lead and were immediately greeted by Death, who was standing at the gate.

"Do you know how long I've been waiting for you?" Death said turning to Brian, "You were supposed to get here...8 months ago! You're a hard dog to kill my friend."

Brian shrugged nonchalantly, "So I take it this is Hell?"

Death nodded in agreement

"Not what I was expecting" Brian continued, "Where's the fire and the lava? The devils with the whips and the starved and tortured souls of the damned?"

Death laughed, "I made it this way to make it easier for you" he replied, "But if you would prefer all that fire, torture and that, we can certainly make that work."

Brian backed off, at the same time he got glares from Mike and Zeke that now is the time for listening and not talking. Brian took their advice. Death nodded in satisfaction and opened the gate, motioning for them to follow. Brian gave a heavy sigh, for he had a good idea on what was coming up and followed Death inside the mansion. Mike and Zeke followed close behind, no sooner did they pass through the gate did it close violently behind them, the clank of the metal scraping against metal echoing the sound of prison bars made Mike cringe in fear, Zeke too, jumped a bit. They quickly shook this off and followed Death and Brian inside the house.


End file.
